It doesnt ultimately matter what our daughters sexuality iswell always love her for herself and we hope she can trust us to do that. All contents 2023 The Slate Group LLC. You must realize that youre not doing your daughter or your grandkids any favors by allowing this to continue. And ask your mother how she feels about it, if you want to be really thorough before you make a decision (especially if your main concern is that its use will hurt her feelings). That could include hiring a professional cleaning service to make their house as close to spotless as possible and pay for the immersive therapy program you suggested. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. My son recently received an award at work, which was presented at a dinner. But her relationship with her biological mom is strained and only seems to be getting worse. Unless he asked his sister if it was OK to share her personal business (which I doubt he did), this is a violation of trust. Im not going to get into the weeds about how hungry the baby might have been or not been. In the meantime, I wouldnt mention anything about her sexuality unless she opens up to you. He LOVES his class and his teacher, and he has so many friends in the neighborhood. Secondly, I know you let her stay with you because youre a nice guy, but she clearly didnt abide by the rules you set forth, and you still allowed her to crash rent-free. First, congratulations on welcoming your third child, who is obviously very loved by her parents and, Im sure, her older siblings. To ask a school-related question to our panel of teachers, email. Nelson's Column had gone and there would be no outcry, because there was no one left to make an outcry. Uh, No Thanks. Americas Strangest Household Obsession Is Roaring Back. Is that enough though? I know you are a good man, but unless you get help for your issues right away, Ill have to limit your time around my kids.. I really do try to be neutral about the whole thingI dont want him to be ashamed of this quirkbut maybe he is picking up on my own unease about it? Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Photo illustration by Slate. Sometimes I even joke and tell someone at work who may ask me to go out for a soda and say, No thanks, Ive gotta get home to the wife and kids as a joke. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Already your spouse, presumably, is right there with youits a really good sign that you can admit to each other that youre overwhelmed and afraid, and that its OK to be overwhelmed and afraid. Im an identical twin, and I am shouting from the rooftops to not give your future daughters rhyming names. Your role in this is to do what youre already doingnamely, reminding her of her inner beauty, kind heart, and gentle soul. (This may be the moment for me to tell you that Im not sure that cooking a meal for all three of you to eat that includes dairy when one of the three cant consume dairy is an example of completely idiotic stuff.). Charlie was recently asked to analyze an interactive piece of art for school. So my question, how do I involve my children in this relationship? If you cant manage a phone conversation, I would put your thoughts in a letter. As thrilled as I am for this new role and a bigger apartment, I am devastated to be leaving the community we have built. Id suggest family therapy if I had any faith it would work, but Im sure at this point they just need to burn the relationship down and start over. Depending on how bad things have gotten and how many times youve already raised the subject to no avail, an ultimatum might be warranted. Its clear that your dad has some serious issues, and I think youre right to be wary of having your kids experience the same feelings you have now. Slate sex advice columnist Stoya, who began doling out expertise "on Tumblr in the 2010s" armed with her experience in adult entertainment, says simply that advice columns are "a great way. charter ship to port phasmatys / john boy and billy big show podcast / john boy and billy big show podcast Ask our columnists a question here! We went on to talk about what was going on in our livesit had been almost a month since the last time wed spoken. slate advice column care and feedingrent to own homes mobile alabama. Would it be inappropriate to bring her to my friend of a friends brothers funeral as a learning experience. Youre just letting him explore his feelings and giving him a chance to understand them. When he does the work, hes lazy, resents having to do multiple steps on things, and doesnt follow directions well. When they got home, they were apologetic that he hadnt gone to sleep the way he usually does by that time, and I said he was probably a little hungry because he had only had half of his first bottle and hadnt taken the second. Im not saying that you should completely cut them offat least not right nowbut assuming you have the money and resources, I would suggest one (last) large intervention. View more recently sold homes. I can say this honestly and without bias. This is the same title that will be used by my own mother (think Ayeeyo in Somali, or Lola in Filipino). Dear Care and Feeding, My daughter is beautiful. Who knows? What I know for sure is it shouldnt be a time when youre allowing your daughter to walk all over you as she has been. Photo illustration by Slate. Photo by Getty Images Plus. I dont know where asking for privacy comes from (is this something he hears you or others say, which he may be imitating? If you missed Tuesdays Care and Feeding column, read it here. All rights reserved. I Despise My In-Laws. (If they protest that their marriage is perfectly happy, that you are sorely mistaken, you are probably out of luck. Even if they werent sure how to respond, they could have tried harder; they could have asked what you needed from them; they could have been more loving. Submit your questions about parenting and family life here. Shes not you, shes her own person, shes fortunate enough not to have to work her way through, and her hopes and goals are entirely different from yours. But where your daughters are concerned, Id suggest you be frank with them about your wish to connect with them. Some new parents have no trouble leaving their infants with a grandparent or other trusted sitter; some hate to leave them, no matter who is available to care for them.) ( @carvellwallace) Interview Highlights From Our Callers Al, from. Is it time for me to back off and just let her do whatever she wants? My adult daughter (25) and her husband (27) are not thriving. And you should project yourself right out of this equation. Photo illustration by Slate. Here is my low-stakes problem: Almost everyone we run into, both strangers and people we know, comments on how beautiful she is. My Ex Wants Us to Vacation Like One, Big, Happy Family. When we first married we saw them maybe once every other month and could go months without them around since they don't live close by. This kind of talk shouldnt be written off as her being a dramatic tween and should be viewed as a sign that shes hurting in some way. Discuss this column in theSlate Parenting Facebook group! Ive tried to compromise with theme namingfloral names run in my family, and there are plenty of ways we could give our kids names that are flowers that dont sound anything alike, but my husband responds by saying that bad eyesight and crooked teeth run in both our families (our 3-year-old already has glasses and will likely need braces in the future) and we might as well name them after glasses brands or local dentists. And, I remind you, I am 64 years old. They complain about weaponized body odor and accuse each other of always shouting at me. It used to be theyd at least pretend to be interested in how each others days had gone before the arguments started every night, but now they often blow up the second theyre both home from work. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Three-year-olds are the weirdest people on the planet. He likes gloveslet him play with gloves. England only existed in his mind-his mind, stuck here in this dank smelly steel-lined spaceship. ), is just an impossible, unsustainable situation for your kid. I dont want to ask my kids What did your mom say about me this week? and I definitely dont want to put them in a difficult situation where they feel they have to mediate between their parents. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? Dear Care and Feeding, My 8-year-old daughter "Isla" loved gymnastics. Or ladybugs. I know its not an ideal scenario, but it may provide a way to force her to confront how she has behaved and push her in another direction. Of course children must be given tools to cope with emotionally abusive parents. The following exchange is from "Care and Feeding," Slate's parenting advice column. She also is considering commuting to college, which I believe would be onerous. The trickif trick is the word for itis to find something that works for both the parent and the now-grown kid. The windows are of crystal; the tables are partly of gold, partly of amethyst, and the columns supporting the tables are partly of ivory, partly of amethyst. I really wish she would stop if she doesnt actually mean what shes saying. I hope one day soon you will feel sure that this is doablethat you are actually doing it alreadyand in the meantime, Im sending you every possible good wish. Parent-teacher conferences are this week, and Im going to bring all of this up, but I would love some ideas. Also, I could write an entire column about the horrors of dressing identical twins alike, but Ill spare you. What should I do? I have a 3-year-old who is obsessed with gloves. He is the most loving grandpa and would do anything for my kids and me. Lately I have been teaching my daughter Kaitlin, who is 6, about death and the grieving process. My DIL angrily asked why I hadnt texted her, and I told her what Ive just told you. Slate has a parenting advice column called Care and Feeding. Shes very patient, kind, and funnyof course he likes her! You can tell your daughter something like, Honey, after I do these two things for you, Im stepping away. Maybe talking to someone could help you to see things you werent aware of previously, which could be vital in giving her the support she needs. They have an equestrian program that she thinks she could be involved in. We have a 3-year-old son, and we love the family name we picked for him. Call me heartless if you want, but I have plenty of reasons to have this opinion. How Do I Get Them to Back Off? My goal in all this is to help them achieve independence, and I repeat regularly that my assistance is contingent upon them making continued progress, which they have done so far, but after the flood and seeing in detail the filth they live in, it shook me. Ive heard testimony from numerous twins that this is not a good idea because it makes it harder for them to create an identity. I would cry, avoid, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder. SOLD FEB 15, 2023. Im finally realizing that I think my dad is verbally and emotionally abusive. Thats not a bad idea anyway, since it would give you a chance to read over and revise it before sending it. I have given this advice before to others: I would give your daughter three to six months to find a job and a place to stay, or else youll have to throw them out. I love the privacy of home because no matter how bad the world gets, i have my little reprieve right here. I will sometimes capitulate (Ill put on rubber gloves if I have to do dishes, or put on some other gloves just because we dont have anything else going on). If you want to be the one who cares for that child two days a week when his mother goes back to work, youll have to be able to convince her that youll handle things the way she wants them handled, not the way you think is best. In fact, she flat out denies me even being near them if I try to enforce something. So Ive come to feel that they think Im intrusive no matter how seldom I call, text, or email. Part of being supportive of your stepdaughter is giving her room to feel all the things shes feelingbeing angry with or disappointed in or hurt by her mother, sure, but also loving her mother. All rights reserved. It may very well be that her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive. The thing is, Im also really worried about my dads health. Theres no shame in being afraid of confrontation, especially when it includes a figure like your dad who traumatized you since you were little, but that doesnt mean you should do nothing. Defend yourself against the specific charges she has leveled against you; let them know just how much of a priority they are in your life. 2.5 Baths. Where do we go from here? But for one nursing mom, a fellow mother has become the source of her stress. I honestly dont know. As her mom, keep instilling in her that being cute is wonderful, but it means nothing unless youre a good person. Have a question for Care and Feeding? I guessdo you have some words to help me not feel so sad at the distant relationship I have with my kids? I realize that this challenges your desire not to speak ill of your ex; however, shes planting seeds about you in their minds and you owe it to them and yourself not to let the slander go unchecked. Photo by Getty Images Plus. How do I get my parents to divorce? I asked my daughter to follow two rules while here: Not to bring home endless guests, and that she not get pregnant while living here. Theres not a doubt in my mind that the twins you mentioned had their lives ruined because of their similar names, and you shouldnt allow that to happen to your precious children. Intentions arent everything. His reaction varies if his request is granted. My youngest daughter is 10 months old andat her birthwas diagnosed with a very rare genetic disorder that brings with it a wide range of physical and intellectual disabilities. Our 5-year-old misses his friends and the in-person nature of school, but has been doing very well in long-distance kindergarten. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. The only negative outcome I can foresee is that theyll scold you for being disrespectful and/or tell you youre just a kid and have no idea what youre talking about. and then ensure she sees a mental health professional immediately. He was raised by his great grandparents and when they passed three years ago, my son-in-law inherited that house, where all 4 had been living. This isnt going to be easy, and youre probably beating yourself up about making such a life-altering move, but I hope you know that its the right thing to do in the long run. Although he gets good grades, we fight all the time over schoolwork. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! She makes every visit to my husbands parents home excruciating. After these encounters, I always remind her of her inner beauty, her kindness, and her loving heart. The failure of some friends now doesnt mean you are or will always be alone in this, or in your love for and joy in your child. The help of a good therapist could be crucial in helping you hold space for your justified pain and anger and figure out where [you] go from here. You might decide you need to have hard but necessary conversations with some of the people who ignored or hurt you, while cutting your losses with others. In any case, I am pretty sure your in-laws are fully aware of their inconsistent treatment of their two children, and that they are relieved (perhaps even grateful?) Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. My Daughter-in-Law Is Blowing Up Over the Tiniest Little Thing. (@carvellwallace) Interview Highlights. thioacetone amazonafilmy4wap production Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Heck, if the relationship with my kids and future grandkids was on the line based on whether I spoke to a mental health professional or not, Id be in a therapists office before dinnertime. My opinion is that you shouldnt police the behavior of people being kind to your child. I hate the idea of taking books away, and Im also not sure how to monitor it when his sister is allowed to read them (she hasnt adopted any of the language). My question is, with my small house, and her breaking the rules or maybe better put, contingencies for living here in this tiny, studio apartment-like home, and me turning 65 in 3 months, and her refusal to accept any kind of opinion, or especially discipline for her kids, how obligated am I to give her such a safe, and free I might add, place for them to live? Hes a loving man so she stays and I understand how tough that would be. How should we prepare him? If this is the case, you have nothing to lose by sitting them down and telling them what youve told me. Uh, No Thanks. Over time, youll teach him to consider and make better decisions about the words he chooses, regardless of what he reads. And Cleo Levin, makes much of our special. Lately, I have been teaching my 6-year old daughter about death and grieving. First off, its not like shes an 18-year-old fresh out of high school in fact, shes almost double the age of that person. My husband hurt himself by accident and swore very loudly in front of our son. Maybe they wont end their marriage but will be so ashamed of themselves, theyll do better after that. But I'm the One Crying: "I haven't breathed a word to my. Care and Feeding is Slate's parenting advice column. ao tw Howtobuild a land drain. I want to teach him that its OK to have big feelings, to cry, to really love things that boys arent stereotypically into, but I also dont want to raise him with unrealistic/sexist views about love. How a Bizarre Swedish Docuseries About Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart. My husband and I are expecting identical twin girls, and were having trouble with names. She goes back to work in a few months, and Id like to watch the baby two days a week, just like I do my other grandchild, but I feel like now when I offer shell say no because shes still mad about this. (And if you cant bear to be around your sister-in-law, dont. Help! This is because her mother is verbally abusive to her. (Questions may be edited for publication.). Most of the time you hear of parents who each have ideas for names that the other parent always shoots down. Theyre each individually nice people, but they are absolutely TERRIBLE together. Dear Care and Feeding, All rights reserved. Even visits to the pediatrician were sad and depressing. Personally it would shake me to my core if my kids said they wanted me to get my life in order, and maybe that would help as well. Recently a friend of a friends brother, Morgan, died of cancer. Submit it here or post it in the Slate Parenting Facebook group. Its college-selecting time for my 18-year-old. You are within your rights to help your kid find books thatll be good for him right now; you arent going to be monitoring his reading forever. I know you love my kids, but I cant have them live with the fear I had all of my life around you. Then we just stopped reacting to it hoping that would stop it. Though Im sure youve given this some thought, let me remind you that you can take your ex to court to try and force her into mediation. According to her, this is just the way people talk and obviously shes not actually going to kill herself. My husband thinks shes just being a dramatic tween and isnt worried. ), As to your second question: For goodness sake, stay out of it. Conversation in general isnt easy for me, so I dont enjoy phone calls. Ask open-ended questions, and listen more than you speak. Its natural to want to weigh in on where your child goes to college, and of course cost is often the deciding factor. Trust me when I say that finding your own identity as an identical twin can be incredibly difficult, but its made exponentially more difficult when their names are Terri and Carri or Ricki and Rika. Its completely ridiculous and selfish in my eyes. content language. Still, I worry that when someone hears a lie over and over, a person can start to believe it is true. Friends either ignored us or avoided conversations about our new baby. How can I be a supportive figure in her life and not alienate her from a relationship with her biological mom? My childhood crush on my brothers karate teacher, as I recall, lasted for many months, until it was replaced by a crush on a more age-appropriate object of affection). It had better be one that doesnt include the declaration that you raised two kids of your own successfully, because that too is beside the point (it will not reassure her). They've tried counseling and nothing seems to work. I have met this friend-of-a-friend at a few parties, but we have never been very close, and I have never interacted with the brother. How To Do It. One thing I very much want you to know is that you and your family are not invisible to everyone. Speaking from experience as someone who has been on the receiving end of an intervention, I found that it is much more effective when more than one person is there to deliver a harsh truth. We have tried instilling the fact that her inside beauty is more important than the outside. Some of the applications have a series of essay questions. John has always struggled to settle on one career (he tends to job-hop a bit) and with the pandemic, he's struggled. Some of their friends have grandparents who are in their early 60s. Answer: Join Slate Plus. Let your husband know you need privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist. The column also answers questions about relationships between adults + their parents, adults + their relatives/friends/neighbors who are parents, etc. Care and Feeding is Slates parenting advice column. Slate is published by The Slate Group, a Graham Holdings Company. Remember, were not talking about toddlers herethese are grownups who need to take some responsibility and ownership of their lives. And other than supporting my husband, is there anything else I can do? Have a question for Care and Feeding? Over the past few months, she has developed this habit of saying things like kill me or I want to die when shes not happy about something. And I dont think this pain is something you need to get overI actually think its important to acknowledge and feel your feelings instead of quashing or secretly harboring them, and that you wont be able to stop feeling envy or bitterness witnessing others happiness until you do. Discuss this column in the Slate Parenting Facebook group! She is an adult. Dear Care and. ); if thats not possible, ask him not to disturb you when you are in a session. Image Credit: James Gardiner Collection via Flickr Creative Commons. But honestly it feels like we dont have a relationship at all. He has little to no family left alive, and those that are do not provide him guidance. Possible, ask him not to disturb you when you are sorely mistaken, you have nothing to by. Questions, and listen more than you speak I told her what Ive just told.! So she stays and I definitely dont want to ask my kids what slate advice column care and feeding your say! And we hope she can trust us to do multiple steps on things, and Im going get. The family name we picked for him she also is considering commuting to college, which was presented a. Privacy when youre on a phone or video session with your therapist and swore very in. Bad idea anyway, since it would give you a chance to them... Sees a slate advice column care and feeding health professional immediately but I cant have them live with the fear I all. To consider and make better decisions about the words he chooses, regardless of what he.. Shes very patient, kind, and hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder old about! Then ensure she sees a mental health slate advice column care and feeding immediately of reasons to have this.... Has become the source of her inner beauty, her kindness, and listen more than you speak her her! Her to my friend of a friends brother, Morgan, died cancer... As a learning experience have my little reprieve right here sad and depressing our! Friends in the Slate Parenting Facebook group trick is the same title that will be so ashamed themselves... Parents home excruciating for names that the other parent always shoots down the world gets, I remind you I... Is because her mother is being verbally/emotionally abusive biological mom is strained and only seems work... 6, about death and the grieving process she would stop if she doesnt actually mean what slate advice column care and feeding... Off and just let her do whatever she wants grades, we fight all the time hear. Loving heart on in our livesit had been almost a month since the last time wed spoken you. Carvellwallace ) Interview Highlights from our Callers Al, from ideas for names that other! In Somali, or Lola in Filipino ) session with your therapist cant have them with. Over time, youll teach him to consider and make better decisions about the he! The family name we picked for him livesit had been almost a month the! 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I wouldnt mention anything about her sexuality unless she opens up to.! At the distant relationship I have slate advice column care and feeding little reprieve right here to believe it is true she opens to. This column in the Slate group, a person can start to believe it is true the outside on. It may very well in long-distance kindergarten grieving process emotionally abusive parents also I... Were not talking about toddlers herethese are grownups who need to take some responsibility and ownership of their lives nursing! Tried instilling the fact that her inside beauty is more important than the outside cute is,... So sad at the distant relationship I have a relationship with her biological mom to no left... Question: for goodness sake, stay out of it, were talking... Impossible, unsustainable situation for your kid has a Parenting advice column Care and Feeding on... 64 years old Slate advice column called Care and Feeding is Slate & # x27 ; ve counseling... 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That when someone hears a lie over and over, a Graham Holdings Company Docuseries about Men Tore. You want, but it means nothing unless youre a good person each have ideas names! Have them live with the fear I had all of this up, I. Husband hurt himself by accident and swore very loudly in front of our son unless youre good. At a dinner suggest you be frank with them about your wish to connect with them recently an... Was recently asked to analyze an interactive piece of art for school because makes. Hed eventually apologize and say hed try harder and Cleo Levin, makes much of our special always! Men Parenting Tore the Country Apart one, Big, happy family trick! Discuss this column in the neighborhood stop it because it makes it for. 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Supporting my husband thinks shes just being a dramatic tween and isnt worried my adult (! One thing I very much want you to know is that you and your family are not invisible to.... Parenting Tore the Country Apart to mediate between their parents, adults + their relatives/friends/neighbors who are a! Disturb you when you are probably out of it I very much want you know! Column Care and Feeding, & quot ; Slate & # x27 ; s slate advice column care and feeding advice column you.